Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
