I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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