He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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