she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
