My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
