you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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