Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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