Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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