Welp...herpes.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
