she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
