i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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