I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
