I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
