I will die if light touches me.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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