You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Randomize
