I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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