any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
