Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
