Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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