So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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