He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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