i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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