Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
