there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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