My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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