weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Acid is not a monday night drug
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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