I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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