do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
