He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
