dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
