he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The air was thick with penises
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
