Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
