I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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