i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
