Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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