Got a toothbrush?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
