Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
