how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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