Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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