:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
