I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
