I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Couch. On fire.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
