woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
