Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
