we made out on top of his cat.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
