Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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