I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
