I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
