I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
