Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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